Webbready

For several months I have written in this blog irregularly. In part this is because the looming responsibility behind one’s own written word overshadows my entire thought process, from the conception of an entry (and many, many miscarriages*) to the rereading of the published word. It is also of my personal opinion that while blogs are wonderful, there are many writers on the Web with the wit and fluency of language to turn their feelings into beautiful works of art, transforming a complaint into an essay that reaches the minds of thousands, if not millions. I am not one of those writers, and any negativity that came from my posts would simply be uninteresting. Because of this, I strive to accentuate the positive without boasting.

However, with each passing month, I’ve begun to grow weary of my self-imposed restraints. There are so many emotions I would like to express and so many opinions I would love to share, even if no one were to read them. Yet I have to pace myself and tell myself that I have to be careful and cautious. I can actually feel this weight like a shell on my back. Yet like a snail, I am defenseless without the shell. Without its protection more of my flaws exposed with crystal clarity. The silken threads that make up my clothes threaten to turn to scrap and become shot, useless rags of departed dreams.

In more plain writing, the bottom line is that I’m tired of the wall of separation between my professional and personal lives. I know that the wall is there for a reason, but I begin to look with envious eyes at those who can meld pieces of one into the other. As they integrate the various aspects of themselves to express their feeling, I think of ways to keep myself continuously split. It is mentally exhausting. I am unaware of how much longer I can maintain at least a superficial distance between what I enjoy and what I write about before they begin to merge and damage my reputation beyond repair.

I am two selves, and at this moment, I despise both of them.

*I stress that I am using this word in a very metaphorical, rather than literal sense. I do not intend to make light of those who have suffered the loss that this word usually denotes.